The Trap of Co-Dependency in Relationships

One of the big casualties of the last few decades is that we have not addressed the changing needs of adult relationships. As instability became the norm in our communities and our homes, children's basic emotional needs are being overlooked. We are now seeing the impact of this missed opportunity in the first generation of young adults that have been raised within the chaos and isolation of current times. Controlling impulses, delaying gratification as well as being empathic are some of the skills that are required to lay the foundation for a sound, loving relationship. Since these skills are being sacrificed in this generation of adults, we are seeing a significant number of relationships that are dysfunctional and co-dependent.

To interact in a relationship in a healthy way requires that we function with total independence on an emotional plain. One of the common problems we see in many spousal relationships is co-dependency. The term co-dependency is often associated with substance abuse but this is not the context that we are using here. Co-dependency also represents a relationship dynamic in which people are incapable of meeting their own personal emotional needs. They look to others to fill in for the emotional deficits that were never fully met in childhood. This can be easily identified by how two members of a couple interact with each other.

When co-dependent individuals become acquainted, they describe feeling complete when together. The connection is extremely strong and is often misinterpreted as "true love." When first dating, these couples are described by others as "the perfect match." They will tell their friends that they can't imagine being able to live without the other person. This particular match is so common that I have no doubt that most readers will be able to immediately identify people like this in their own circle of friends.

If one person needs another to validate her because she does not feel good enough, she will be attracted to someone who will provide this emotional support. If a person has difficulty managing his anxiety and has a fear of being alone, he will look for someone who appears stable and solid.

This dialogue might be heard in an interaction between co-dependent partners:

Kim: "Oh! don't I look so ugly today? I always look fat."

Jim: "No, you don't, I think you are beautiful!"

Kim: "You're just saying that to be nice."

Jim: "I'm really worried; my boss is totally on my case."

Kim: "Don't worry! You're great at your job! Your boss is just a pain."

Jim: "I'm afraid he's going to fire me!"

Kim: "Oh honey, come here, I'll make you feel better. You are too good for that job."

When Kim demeans her own appearance, Jim immediately responds to lift her low self-esteem. When Jim expresses his fear, she jumps in and denigrates the boss, rather than help him problem-solve his dilemma. Both of them are struggling with their inability to manage their own emotional needs.

This cooperative dynamic works well in the beginning. As each person continues to meet each other's needs, they both feel great as if high on life. They truly appear to be the "perfect" match. However, as the stresses of life begin to impact the couple, it is inevitable that each member will no longer be able to provide for the other's needs. The relationship will begin to slip.

As each partner fails to consistently meet the emotional needs of the other: arguments, disappointment and anger begin to ensue. Eventually the "perfect" relationship begins to fall apart. Because they are incomplete without the other, each will feel an urgent need to cut and run in order to meet someone else better suited for them. These fragile bonds often lead to multiple failed relationships.

Although it exists in degrees, co-dependency continues to be destructive to the spousal relationship and even more, to the children. The belief that a spouse can make up for emotional deficits is doomed to failure. Without a means to meet our emotional needs as individuals, co-dependent people will be forever looking for that perfect person to make them feel whole. They will likely be relegated to an endless cycle of searching for life partners to fulfill infantile emotional needs.

If the parents lack this integral emotional foundation, so will their children. If we do not intervene now, there will be generations of couples that will be unstable and dysfunctional. If you recognize this pattern in your relationships, seek assistance immediately. Once you have addressed the underlying emotional deficits contributing to the problem, you will be able to establish a loving, caring and hopefully long-term, healthy relationship. Don't your children deserve it?